She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
