playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
