Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
