I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i think i have two assholes
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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