i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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