Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
