No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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