Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
