What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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