What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
