my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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