Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
