Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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