He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize