I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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