In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
