So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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