No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
