When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
