I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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