So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
