She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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