highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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