barbara walters just said penis...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
