Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
