so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
