I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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