You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
