Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
