I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
