I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
