My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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