I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
