I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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