NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
