Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
