oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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