My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Drake has all the answers
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
