Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
