Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
