remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Randomize
