So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
They took my balls.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
