I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
That's intense
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
