yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm passing your future prison.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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