i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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