you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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