Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
