It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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