please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize