Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
