My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
