My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
