I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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