I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
